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😞

talked about euthanasia in class today….

can i have it?

it’s Saturday!

i hate how fucking suicidal i have been. i am literally so useless and annoying right now. how do people put up with me? how is it possible nobody has murdered me yet?
or is that just part of me being suicidal?

because i seriously do not see a point to my existence almost every day.

told my mom that I got 48/50 on a depression quiz I got in class today.

she bitched at me for not going to the hospital months ago when I was given the number.

I cannot explain it to her, but it’s hard to say that you really just do not want to be alive anymore, and that wasting time in a hospital would just be unproductive.

yeah, so from “super-duper happy excited me” to “I do not want to live anymore, where’s the closest drug store?”

I really do not enjoy these swings..

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so my dad left. for the 5th time. and the only depressing thing about this? he took his drugs with him. so I’m stuck. but I hope he never comes back.

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I’m just laying here in bed, drinking this weird new tea I got, attempting to keep myself from falling apart completely; i don’t think it’s working.

seriously, why do i bother with shit-all anymore?

and once my mood drops,

as it did just now,

i still refuse to call the doctor for that damn appointment

…

this is going to be difficult.

She didn’t have many friends, and wasn’t well liked. Because I was a loud idiot with my friend Jessy, I got moved to the seat beside her. We got talking, and became, in a way, secret buddies; she told me things she couldn’t tell anyone, and in exchange, I made her smile and forget her worries everyday.

She told me of how her mother wasn’t in her life anymore, and how her father abused her, how she would hide away in her basement and drink herself to sleep, and how her brother would leave her. She confided in me about her depression, suicidal thoughts, and even the scars and cuts she had hidden on her arms. I spent every math class listening, and telling jokes to make her smile. By the end of the year, she was happy; trully through and through happy.

I left after that year, and have attended a different school, and talked to her the other day on Facebook. She said she had missed me so much, and had improved her math mark from a 40 to a 90. I told her how proud I was of her, and how much I had missed the school; even about my depression and run in with suicide. She told me that once she found out her friend was gone, she fell back into the depression, even considering suicide by the end of the year. She told me how I was one of the only people who actually cared enough to listen and try to help her.

I never realized how much sitting down and listening to someone can help them; I’ve spent a good portion of my high school years listening, but this was the first time I had heard of someone missing me like that. Sure, my friends say they miss me, and things aren’t the same, but no one had really worded it the way she did. I know a lot of people have said a lot of similar things, but someone I didn’t see everyday, or talk to all the time, misses me a lot…

I realized that I was to help people who have depression. I have so many friends with it, and have talked a few people off the ledge, (and have been talked off as well,) but I just realized that.

So wherever I go in life now, if I make it through my own depression, I want to spend the rest of this time helping those who can’t see a happy ending.

“If its not happy, its not the end.”